So, here I am researching a clown show, and all of my research keeps leading me back to the dismantling of corporate greed, capitalism, patriarchy, white supremacy, and colonization. So….
I guess this is what THE CURE FOR FEAR is about? Yeah, but in a funny way, you know?
This last week in my process of research, I was stumbling around in self doubt. I made a video, wasn’t happy with it. What the heck? Can’t I just make art and enjoy it? Why do I have to question everything? I acknowledge the privilege and shame I feel to be battling with my self worth instead of being out on the front lines battling for clean drinking water.
AND THAT IS IT RIGHT THERE!
The power holders have me right where they want me to be- despondently floating in the purgatory of NOT GOOD ENOUGH. Maybe I need to buy some skin product to feel better about myself? Maybe I need to eat something, drink something, smoke something?
I humbly thank the Water and Land Defenders for all that they are doing to protect our earth.
In finding my role, my creation process of art and decolonization, I have been dedicating myself to embodiment. What does that even mean?
To me, it means supporting my nervous system- to feel my feet on the ground, to regulate and become present in my body. I turn to my body through my senses- what my eyes are seeing (colors, textures, light and shadows), what I am hearing and what my body is sensing.
I am dedicated to a daily embodiment session. Interestingly enough the more present I am in my body, the more cognitive I feel in my intellectual mind, and the more energy I have to go beyond my basic needs.
I AM IN RELATION WITH EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING.
This last week had me really questioning the DEPTH of my art. I do desire to make a difference, and in that I have begun to dig deeper. I realized that I desire teachers- and not just theatre class teachers- but elders to help guide me. I’m curious about the ways of my GREAT GREAT GREAT indigenous grandmother- What if society had gone the way of cooperation and understanding of indigenous ways, instead of- well you know how it is.
NOTES FROM THE WEEK:
DREAMS– recording them every morning.
CLASSES– In my MELODRAMA class, facilitated by Deanna Fleysher I found myself being challenged by my own image management. That means, instead of being present and available to respond to my impulses, I was distracted by what I look like. And on zoom, there I AM starring myself in the face- all my glorious imperfections looking right back at me.
What the heck? It literally was leaving me frozen and afraid to make choices. (Once again, right where the power holders would have me be!) Afterwards, I made some notes to myself:
- Slow the fuck down
- Wait for an impulse
- I am enough- my being is enough
In my Movement Analysis class with Norman Taylor a nugget I took away was the tiny undulation. So tiny, that no one can see it, but literally changes the energy patterns around the person making the undulation. Really quite profound.
PROPS- The house mask is almost finished. I chose to paint it pink, (YES I DID!) with a grey chimney and charcoal roof. Next up- finish painting the roof, make curtains and fasten some interior lighting- and then it’s time to play. What does it do? Where does it go? I have some ideas. #STAYHOME. #REALESTATE #SOLD #MORTGAGEMYHOME #HOMELESSNESS
Thinking about making a grandmother mask. The grandmothers are joining me in this story.
SOME RESOURCES FROM MY WEEK OF CREATIVE RESEARCH:
- In Solidarity with the Land and Water Defenders– a collective of indigenous and settler grassroots organizers/activists mainly based out of so called Vancouver (Coast Salish lands and waters) with other editors contributing from across turtle island. They support and promote Indigenous sovereignty and human rights worldwide.
- For The Wild Podcast– For The Wild is an anthology of The Anthropocene; focused on land-based protection, co-liberation, and intersectional storytelling rooted in a paradigm shift from human supremacy towards deep ecology.
- MEDICINE FOR THE RESISTANCE– a podcast hosted by an Anishnaabe kwe and an Afro mystic looking at life through #Black and #Indigenous eyes. Support them HERE.
- MTS- Movement Theatre Studio in NYC– I’ve been taking their on-line classes. I was resistant to ZOOM classes… but HOLY- Soooo goood! I’ve thus far participated in ESSENTIAL MOVEMENTS 1, PHYSICAL COMEDY 1, The NORMAN TAYLOR MASTERCLASS and am signed up for more.
- DANCE FUNDAMENTALS– with Laura June- Everybody, stop what you are doing and sign up for this. Body Positive Embodiment- for all bodies. TOOLS PEOPLE! She facilitates us to learn the TOOLS of our own bodies to be present and regulate our nervous systems. This is important training for these unknown times.
Thank you for reading “THE BONES”- a process report of art and decolonization.
I am currently researching “THE CURE FOR FEAR” – a physical theatrical/ digital arts exploration around the disconnection that occurs from trauma. In a world where the power holders would have us privatize and distrust our feelings in silence and obedience, how does one begin and continue on a journey of decolonization and reconnection? What transformation happens within the psyche as a person emerges from despondency and disembodiment?
I believe in the power of laughter, so, how can one find lightness in the heaviest of topics? How can the subject matter be delivered in a way that surprises the experiencer with their own discoveries?
Always open to feedback if it is constructive and kind. No haters please. candicerobertstheatre@gmail.com
Candice Roberts 