Waiting for the Impulse

Happy New Year. 

I’m resolved to be guided by my nervous system this year. I realize that I’ve had a very capitalist colonial process of achieving my goals. In the past my successes and my failures have affected how I feel about myself. I saw this meme and felt it:

Trying to NOT do that right now.

Maybe that is why I have been so drawn to studying mistakes and making theatre for young audiences about the importance of failure. I need to go back and reread my research.

I’m Remembering. Remembering to approaching art like a scientist and a student. To think of the creation process as experimentation and data collection. I am remembering the JOY of making art for the sake of curiosity and for the satisfaction of following an idea to fruition.

But the ideas! They’ve lost their glow, they don’t stand out anymore. I have a list of images to explore- but why? I forget why? 

I’ve left the ZONE. I feel between worlds and feel lost. It’s very challenging for me right now to be patient for the impulse to emerge again. It’s not even the outcome of a “product” I desire at the moment- I’m yearning for the creation zone.

Writing this out is helpful, and perhaps it is a reminder for someone else who needs it. Apparently, “Happiness is the harvest of a quiet mind”. So I will listen and be quiet. I seem to be in a transitionary moment, time to be patient to see what emerges from my psyche.

I could really use a cure for fear right now. What is the “north star” of this play again?

IT’S OK TO NOT BE OK

Riiiight. Hoo boy. LIFE-ART-LIFE-ART

How does the character Loretta find connection? Through embodiment. Ok, but what if it feels terrible in the body like it does right now? I guess that’s just it. Sit with it. Feel terrible in the body. THIS TOO SHALL PASS.

I am typing these words one letter at a time. I am writing to be accountable to myself. I made a pact with myself that I will document my process of creating this play. Some people spend YEARS writing a play and I said I would do it in half a year. OMG- Give me a break!!

I’m not giving up, I’m giving myself a break. I’m going to support someone else’s art for a heart beat.

I’d like to reccomend this documentary: nîpawistamâsowin: WE WILL STAND UP. (You can see the full movie here)

This is a powerful story about a family’s national and international pursuit of justice after their son, brother, cousin, boyfriend- Colten Boushie was shot in the head for trespassing on a farmer’s property. The blatant racism that this family endured (endure)- from other “Canadians” and also from within Canada’s legal system- is appalling. The film also gets into Indigenous perspective on the history of colonization on the prairies as well as the film makers personal narrative of being adopted and raising her son.

This story moved me to tears. Not just at the maddening injustice of a failed justice system and narrow minded folks- but at the strength and resilience of Colten’s family. His sister is powerful and amazing. I am inspired.

Maybe this IS a time for me to reach out and support other people.

On another note, I jumped in the ocean January 1st, 2021. Life is art.

Thank you for reading “THE BONES”- a process report of art and decolonization.

I am currently researching “THE CURE FOR FEAR” – a physical theatrical/ digital arts exploration around the disconnection that occurs from trauma. In a world where the power holders would have us privatize and distrust our feelings in silence and obedience, how does one begin and continue on a journey of decolonization and reconnection? What transformation happens within the psyche as a person emerges from despondency and disembodiment?

I believe in the power of laughter, so, how can one find lightness in the heaviest of topics? How can the subject matter be delivered in a way that surprises the experiencer with their own discoveries?

Always open to feedback if it is constructive and kind. No haters please. candicerobertstheatre@gmail.com

May peace prevail.

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