Along with my show creation, I’ve been reading, watching and listening to learn and unlearn and take stock of HOW DO WE DISMANTLE SYSTEMS OF OPPRESSION. Holy- not an easy task. And, yes… this is bringing up a lot of self reflection. I write to further educate myself- so that I can better speak up about it when it is needed. I need to be clear so that I can prepare for concise action.

Think of this portion of my blog as notes for settlers about decolonization.

Ok, I admit it- I am feeling overwhelmed. Our society is in need of a complete overhaul. How the hell does that happen? I personally may be ready to give up property ownership, power and privilege- but those rich folks are not going to without a fight.

Decolonization is, if it is truly being done is going to get messy.

“Decolonization never takes place unnoticed. Settler colonialism and its decolonization implicates and unsettles everyone.”

Fanon , 1963 (taken from the article “Decolonization is not a metaphor”

Some very brave and smart people have been on this task of anti-oppression, decolonization, and responsible allyship for a long time already. Thank you.  

Last week, I said I would work through the article “DECOLONIZATION IS NOT A METAPHOR”- by Eve Tuc and Wayne Yang and come back with a story about it. I’m not going to lie to you- My brain doesn’t seem to easily process this academia speak, so I found help from a youtube video where a fellow named Garnet Hertz from Emily Carr discusses the paper. 

I believe that their key point being-  you can read all the paper’s you want, critical awareness doesn’t matter until something is done and decolonization specifically requires the repatriation of Indigenous land and life. (Indigenous Sovereignty) Decolonization is NOT a synonym or metaphor but it relates to how land is allocated and policies are implemented. 

“Decolonization eliminates settler property rights and setter sovereignty, it requires the abolition of land as property and upholds the sovereignty of Native land and people.”

Tuck and Yang- Decolonization is Not a Metaphor

“Freeing your mind is NOT enough- you need to free your land-  until stolen land is relinquished,  critical consciousness does not translate into action that disrupts settler colonialism.” 

The article specifies that settlers are not immigrants. The difference being in the power dynamic. The settlers came to Turtle Island and required the land and its resources. A settler becomes the law, they take dominion OVER the place that they settle as god, ruler, or authority. White people were not immigrants- they took their world view and forced it on the people. 

This brought an epistemic shift- the idea of LAND as PROPERTY. This idea of property, and that land can be owned by a person undermined indigenous world views and relations. 

Colonialism has shaped society, systems and structures where the settler perspectives and worldviews get to count as knowledge and research. Invisibilized dynamics of settler colonialism mark organizations, governance, curricula and assessment of compulsory learning. 

Teaching indiginous perspective in elementary, highschool and post secondary education is an important baby step in decolonization- but only the beginning. 

They say to watch out for dangerous token efforts of decolonization on peoples and institutions that just distracts from doing the real work. These keep the power structures in place and gives a scapegoat for settlers to take on and feel better about themselves- while sweeping tangible change, like repatriation of land, under the rug.

This paper describes different forms of FAKE decolonization that are dismissive and harmful, such as:

• Playing indian
• Playing with indigenous forms of culture
• settler/nativism where settlers locate or invent a long-lost ancestor who is rumoured to have “indian blood” and they use this claim to mark themselves as blameless in the attempted eradications of Indigeous peoples. This is known as Indian Grandmother Complex. (And.. my cheeks are burning, because I located a great great great indigenous grandmother myself.) I understand that ancestry IS different from tribal membership. I grew up as a white middle class cis female.

These forms of token decolonization create feelings of being MORE innocent and less guilty of the damages of colonisation. This deflects settler identity, while continuing the ability to enjoy settler privilege while occupying stolen land. Whites claiming indian blood generally tends to reinforce mythical beliefs.  

Decolonization is NOT:

• converting indigenous politics to a western doctrine of liberations
• Helping the “at-risk” and alleviating suffering
• It is not a generic term for struggle against oppressive conditions and outcomes
• not  metonymy for Social Justice

“We are asking them/YOU to consider how the pursuit of critical conscious, the pursuit of social justice through a critical enlightenment, can also be a settler move to innocence- diversions, distractions, which relieve the settler of feelings of guilt or responsibility, and conceal the need to give up land or power or privilege.” 

Tuck and Yang

So, having read that- I know that it is not for me to rest on the “good feels” of decolonizing myself. I admit my personal study and writing about decolonization and indigenous perspectives is a small step. 

Like my art projects, I’ll figure out the next steps as I go. 

Empowering myself with knowledge helps me have more words to speak up. I am so happy to recenter Indigenous World Views-  there are many, and I do not know them all. What I have gleaned is that Indigenous worldviews see the whole person (physical, emotional, spiritual, and intellectual) as interconnected to land and in relationship to others (family, communities, nations). I keep thinking… WELL DUH!!! Can we do that please? 

As Nikki Sanchez says: “This history is not your fault, but it is absolutely your responsibility.”

Some resources from my week: 

• UNSETTLING AMERICA This is such a great resource. So much inspiring information here.  
• Such as this clear outline of Allyship & Solidarity guidelines
• Learn more about the Wet’suwet’en people, the Unist’ot’en camp and their fight. They don’t want pipelines on their land. It’s their land. Their SAY. END OF STORY.
• Have a listen to Harsha Walia.

For the ART SIDE OF LIFE this WEEK, please go to: LAUGHING WITH OUR SADNESS

I spent a good portion of my adult life depressed. I used to think I was born into a sad body. I feel incredibly grateful to feel some semblance of balance and joy in my life now. It is from this safe space that I now explore sadness. Perhaps it is because of my own experience with loneliness and depression that it tickles my fancy to “play” with sadness- and in some way- it allows me to be present in the SAD FEELINGS without letting them get the better of me. 

So, play with sadness instead of “BE” sadness? 

In exploring the character of Loretta for the CURE FOR FEAR I made a short film, which I thought was very sad, touching and funny. 

Interestingly enough when I took it to my working group that has been exploring “clowning for film”- they barely laughed. When I went back to re-edit the lonely film- I saw it from another side- Does it seem like I’m making fun of a lonely old woman? Is it JUST sad? 

In this working group we talked about what changes would make this short film more funny, and I realized that maybe it wasn’t just laughs I was going for? 

What WAS my impetus for creating this? Aside from the act of making it which is a means to an end in itself, I’m curious about facilitating the emotional journey of an audience- and not everything NEEDS to be funny. 

Laughter is such a safe, and FUN emotional response, but, can we laugh at people’s sadness? I don’t think so, actually. In reality, I have no desire to laugh at other people’s sadness- but somehow laughing with my own sadness seems ok? When does sad get laughable?  

Well. It’s done now, and this film probably won’t be a part of the show, but it’s an experiment nonetheless and I want to share it.

Which brings me to thinking about “FAILURE”. I had “failure” a couple times this week- and on a positive note, it was because I have been so active in creating and sharing. I noticed that an initial response to “FAILURE”, ie- not getting the response that I was expecting- is to QUIT. And it comes on so fast, as if there’s this LAZY DEMON that will take any small bit of criticism to try and convince me to give up and go to bed. 

Another way of responding to failure that I’m trying out is to be a scientist where I don’t take the critique personally in which it makes ME the failure. I’m simply gathering the information generated through feedback and then tinkering with the experiment until I get the intended results. 

Which brings me back to intended results. What was my purpose for making such a sad film? I thought it was cute, sad and touching and it helped me NOT be sad for a little longer. 

I am sooo curious what you think. Seriously, please write to me with your constructive feedback, even if, especially if it triggered something. Negative is ok, just don’t be mean ok?

Thank you for reading “THE BONES”- a process report of art and decolonization.

I am currently researching “THE CURE FOR FEAR” – a physical theatrical/ digital arts exploration around the disconnection that occurs from trauma. In a world where the power holders would have us privatize and distrust our feelings in silence and obedience, how does one begin and continue on a journey of decolonization and reconnection? What transformation happens within the psyche as a person emerges from despondency and disembodiment?

I believe in the power of laughter, so, how can one find lightness in the heaviest of topics? How can the subject matter be delivered in a way that surprises the experiencer with their own discoveries?

Always open to feedback if it is constructive and kind. No haters please. candicerobertstheatre@gmail.com

What does it mean to DECOLONIZE? 

“Decolonization is the process of deconstructing colonial ideologies of the superiority and privilege of Western thought and approaches. On the one hand, decolonization involves dismantling structures that perpetuate the status quo and addressing unbalanced power dynamics.”

-the internet

I grew up in a small racist town. It was normal to shit talk about any culture that wasn’t white. I knew it wasn’t right, but I didn’t always have the right words when taking a stand. 

This FREE MANUAL helps me find the words. 

It seems the more I learn the more questions I have. Decolonization is an ongoing process. I am so very gratful for the time and energy professors Dr. Tracy Bear and Dr. Gareau have put into their conversations with actor Dan Levy on youtube. These are series of videos where in each episode they talk about, and answer questions from the public about the modules in “Indigenous Canada”- a free course offered by the University of Alberta. The question that comes up a lot to them from white settler folks is: WHAT CAN I DO??

In my last blog entry I looked at Who am I? Where am I from and Who are my people? In moving forward, I continue here with this working list of actions we settlers can do to dismantle the colonial patriarchal capitalist white supremacist paradigm. (By no means is this list finished.. Consider this a chapter in the process of decolonization.)

1. Educate ourselves. I’ve been reading, watching, listening – and this Manual for Decolonization I linked above, really speaks to me. It is written in a way that I can immediately feel the information as it sinks in. To me, it is to the point with no bs. We have Indigenous perspective, first hand stories, and understandings. I want EVERYONE to read this. Is THIS being taught in schools yet? (I’m going to research this tangent, but if someone knows anything about indigenous perspective being taught in elementary and high-school, can you please let me know?) How do we get everyone to read this? 

2. Acknowledge. What happened? What IS happening? Are you curious about what the 94 calls to action are from the Truth and Reconciliation Commission? Who are the people that make up the Truth and Reconciliation commission? – I’ve been reading up on this, and I admit, I get a little confused/overwhelmed when going through this type of government colonial wording. I’d love someone to tell me a story about the calls to action. (Having said that, I’m not asking anyone from the BIPOC community to learn me. I’ll chip away at this and come back with a story). For anyone who is interested here are the 94 CALLS TO ACTION. Again- Indigenous perspective- Let’s get to the TRUTH of our history, and teach that in schools. 

3. Ask yourself- WHAT CAN I DO? (do not ask an indigenous person). We all have our own personal gifts- what is your unique gift? What is your skillset you can bring to the cause? I’d love to support an Indigenous person in telling their story- through my skills of theatre creation, movement, puppetry, direction, design, film, editing. Just putting that out there.  

4. Don’t make it about yourself. Phewf, this one really knocked me off my feet for a moment. Is that what I am doing here with this blog? Dr. Tracy Bear said to “value uncomfortability as a place of learning.” Thank you for that. I’m bound to be making mistakes.  In researching further- I’m understanding this is more about NOT CENTERING THE SETTLER PERSPECTIVE. 

Because settler colonialism is built upon  an  entangled  triad  structure  of  settler-native-slave,  the  decolonial  desires  of  white,  non-white, immigrant, postcolonial, and oppressed people, can similarly be entangled in resettlement, reoccupation, and reinhabitation that actually further settler colonialism.”

Decolonization is Not a Metaphor– by Eve Tuck from the State University of New York, and K. Wayne Yang of University of California, San Diego.

I am going to study this article this week, and see If I can come back with a more layman’s version- for folks like me who prefer a more everyday type language. Don’t get me wrong, I completely understand the importance of edumacated expression, and I often try the big words for myself- I just don’t always understand. It makes me think about some of the folks of my home town- how could this important information be expressed in a way that would help them take in the information and really think about it. 

5. Cultivate more everyday acts of practical reverence. Reciprocity through gratitude in action. Again, Braiding Sweetgrass is bringing tears to my eyes with Robin Wall Kimmerer’s gorgeous words and stories: 

“The Honorable Harvest asks us to give back in reciprocity, for what we have been given. Reciprocity helps resolve the moral tension of taking life by giving in return something of value that sustains the ones who sustain us. One of our responsibilities as human people is to find ways to enter into reciprocity with the more than human world. We can do it through gratitude, through ceremony, through land stewardship, science, art and in every day acts of practical reverence. 

Braiding Sweetgrass- Robin Wall Kimmerer

6. Consider this:  “We are the ancestors of the future and what we do know will have an impact.”- Yeye Luisah Teish, author of Jambalaya. How can we become good ancestors? I participated as a witness in a powerful on-line “workshop” about Decolonizing the City through a Matriarchal lens. One of the panelists spoke about her indiginous ancestors living and acting in ways that considered us, here and now. What are the ways we can inspire each other to do this?

AND THE ART SIDE OF LIFE

 I ain’t kidding when I say making art is what gets me up in the morning. I feel this process of decolonizing goes hand in hand with making art. #artformentalhealth #dowhatyoulove

This week I filmed a new process video for the creation for THE CURE FOR FEAR. In it Loretta tries out and shares a variety of techniques to “lift your facial epidermis”. I’m rather proud of this bit, first of all simply for doing it- for I had felt rather overwhelmed by the state of the world and fell into a sort of frozen lethargy . Once I got started though, I really tickled my own fancy. I now see where I will make changes in this scene, and THAT is the nature of the process. 

I am excited to perform THE CURE FOR FEAR as live theatre, but for now I am experimenting with a live digital format. I’m now seeing 3 streams to Loretta’s world. 

1. Her youtube videos- Here Loretta is “on” and we can glean who she is through what she says and also through what she doesn’t say. Within these films I am experimenting with clowning for film. Once again- Is it still clown if you can’t respond to the audience? I managed to tickle my own fancy here and respond to my response. These scenes I can see playing live, or live stream. 
2. When Loretta is “off”– This is when the camera to her youtube video gets “shut” off. Still being filmed, we lose the fourth wall and we peek into Loretta all alone at home. How does she act when no  one is watching? 
3. Loretta’s dreams- I have decided to explore making mini pre-filmed fantastical dream sequences. These will most likely be worked out as movement pieces for live theatre, but could also be used in projection, or promo- basically it is not for naught. These surreal dream sequences are being built from the images that come into my own psyche. I hold them up against my North Star and see how they relate. They represent Loretta’s battle with her demons, a sort of emotional processing metaphorically expressed through image. The north star I have been working with is disconnection, connection and embodiment. 

Next steps, are about STORY. What is the story that turns Loretta’s world upside down? Story has never been my strong point- I feel my skills lay in the execution- the WAYS in which the story will be told. I know it’s in my body though, I just need to let it emerge from my exploration. I’m searching for the universal thread that connects us. I have a consultation zoom date with someone on Monday to talk about this.

OK. Here is my list of resources I utilized this week. 

• WHOSE LAND IS IT ANYWAYS- A manual for Decolonization– as I said above- SO  GOOD. Please read this if you can.
• Indiginous Canada– I’m putting this here again because LISTEN AGAIN! I also went back and re-listened to the conversations with Dan Levy, Dr. Tracy Bear and Dr. Paul Gareau on modules 4 and 5 on youtube. 
• Giihlgiigaa – a haida weaver, shared with me by another amazing teacher and weaver Nagala Avis O’brian of Nagala Designs. This summer, Avis shared with me how to weave a cedar bracelet and then gifted me some cedar she harvested. I am so grateful for this experience.
• Haisla Collins– incredible prolific artist/beader. I purchased some earrings from her this week- and you can too!
• Decolonization is Not a Metaphor– phewf, I’m going to work my way through this, and I’ll let you know where I get. If YOU have read this and want to share with me your knowledge- please reach out!
• M̓i tel’nexw Leadership Society– this looks amazing, and I am going to take them up on their offers. Their website says: M̓i tel’nexw Leadership Transformation is for leaders** who want to unlearn supremacy and apply Indigenous teachings to their work. If you are ready to see, know, be and do differently, this course is for you. AND- (this is me now) Chief Janis George is one of the founders. I listened to her speak on the panel for DECOLONIZING THE CITY from a MATRIARCHAL LENS- and I fell in love. 🙂
• Truth and Reconciliation Commission’s Call to Action– This is regarding reconciliation around Residential School. My homework this week is to read through this, and get a better understanding of WHO makes up the commission, what are the actions, and, how is it being followed through.
• MSTFUTURISM– They organized the amazing event: Decolonizing the City through a Matriarchal Lens. Keep an eye on this instagram page. They are uplifting and celebrating Musqueam, Squamish and Tsleil-Waututh visions for the future of what is currently known as Vancouver.
• Ancestors in Training– Instagram page for inspiration and up-coming workshops.

Creating and sharing seems to be fundamental to my well-bing, so I have been challenging myself to do so. This week was particularly focused and full- I wrote an application for a theatre support opportunity- these always leave me feeling a little pumped and a little vulnerable. I made a process video for the CURE for FEAR that experiments with clowning and film- is it still clown if I can’t respond to the audience? I participated in a 5 class comedy writing course, my weekly melodrama zoom class and a continued journey of decolonizing myself. 

How does one decolonize themselves? My own search for answers has me sourcing podcasts, articles, books, music and art from BIPOC communities and allies. Among asking ourselves- Who am I? Where do I come from? And, who are my people? SAMANTHA MOYO (Deepen Your Understanding of Decolonisation) said something that keeps returning to my mind: GENEROSITY OF SPIRIT. I keep thinking of this as I get caught up in petty privileged complaints such as not having enough “personal space”.

• Who am I? – I am a fifth generation settler living as an uninvited guest on the ancestral and unceded territories of the Coast Salish Peoples, including the territories of the xʷməθkwəy̓əm (Musqueam), Skwxwú7mesh (Squamish), and Səl̓ílwətaʔ/Selilwitulh (Tsleil-Waututh) Nations.  I identify as a queer woman and an artist. 
• Where do I come from? The first settler of my family lineage on Turtle Island married an indigenous woman of the Snuneymuxw First Nation. I was born on the ancestral territories of the Wei Wai Kum peoples which also included the territories of the We Wai Kai, Kwakwaka’wakw, K’ómoks and the Coast Salish peoples. When I opened the website of the Wei Wai Kum it read: “For thousands of years the Wei Wai Kum lived harmoniously with the lands, waters and resources”. 

(I acknowledge that this G3 Grandmother is but one of the folx in my lineage, and I am not NOW claiming to be an Indigenous person. I did a dna test this summer and found that I am a mix of French, German, Irish and English heritage including 2.4% Native American. HI GRANDMA!!!!) Having said that, I AM curious, and am using my imagination and creativity to dream about what it might have been like if settlers harmonized with indigenous ways as opposed to colonizing in patriarchal, capitalist and white supremacist ways.

• Who are my people? I’m still figuring out this question as it pertains to my ancestors, but I can say that my people are the artists, healers, visionaries and provocateurs.

I’m currently reading and finding much inspiration in a beautiful book titled- BRAIDING SWEETGRASS by Robin Wall Kimmerer. Each chapter gives me new insight- such as a deeper awareness of my relation with EVERYTHING and finding more ways of putting gratitude into action. Mz. Kimmerer writes so poetically eloquent that many of her stories bring tears to my eyes. One chapter titled: Allegiance to Gratitude really nailed it home for me: 

“In consumer society, contentment is a radical proposition. Recognizing abundance rather than scarcity undermines an economy that thrives by creating unmet desires. Gratitude cultivates an ethic of fullness, but the economy needs emptiness.”

Robin Wall Kimmerer- BRAIDING SWEETGRASS

That truth in that paragraph makes me feel a bit nauseous. I’m tired of consumer society. Is it so radical to be satisfied and grateful for what we have?

How do we cultivate an economy of gratitude? 

The first step for me is to slow down. Being on social media somehow gets me all wired up. Taking BIG breaks from it helps me slow down and notice what is around me- colors, textures, smells. Lately I’ve been doing 24 hour social media fasts. I acknowledge that social media and the internet can be a tool as well as a trap. It feels especially hard these days to get off social media when we are cut off from our “real life” social networks. Also, these systems were designed to capitalize on our attention as a commodity.  Ew. 

Let’s make ART. I don’t know about you, but making art helps me process the world. What the hell is going on? I don’t know who or what to believe. I know that I’m wary of folks who claim to “know the truth” about- Covid, a vaccine, trump, a New World Order? – jeeeezus. What I do know is that I must keep my feet on the ground, remain centred, and clear headed. I’ll question everything, thank you very much. #artformentalhealth

This week I am very grateful for the resources to be able to participate in a Comedy Writing Class with Virginia Scott of Movement Theatre Studio in NYC. Holy doodle- not only am I learning so much through doing the assignments but I am once again using the assignments to write for THE CURE FOR FEAR. ACCOUNTABILITY and I are friends. 

I wrote out 3 new scenes for THE CURE FOR FEAR and am going to explore filming them over the next couple of weeks. The writing assignments were specifically on: 

• GAMES- having the character find a game within the premise. (a game is described as something fun for the performer to accomplish, a problem, a desire- it can be complicated or simple with clear rules for the audience to feel included)

“If the audience is confused, if the audience is thinking, then they are not laughing”

Virginia Scott (paraphrased)

• A FARCE- Begin with the ending- a scenario of chaos and disaster- and work backwards to the one small thing that began it all
• An ACT OUT (LAZZO)- where the performer gets to “act out” a story that happened, hope will happen, afraid will happen, a flight of fancy… 

In regards to writing or devising a clown turn or comedy sketch/scene these are the elements that I’m discovering will make it stronger: 

• A CLEAR PREMISE (who, what, where) 
• Games (like I described above)
• Modification to the games-  rhythm, escalation (emotional, intensity) rule of three (where the action gets changed on the 3rd time) break the rules
• Raise the stakes- how can the whole scenario, outcome become more important (ie: a time limit)
• A button- a comedic ending (a sort of rhythmic shot) that ties the kaboodle together 

I think the performer’s skill level can make it or break it. It’s been really satisfying for me to analyze what I’m drawn to and why am I drawn to it. I’m finding I like a balance of “aha- I get it”, a sense of seeing myself or something I do or recognize in society, and also, I just LOVE some straight up wackiness that is just plain silly.

I believe that laughter in and of itself is important, AND I am also curious about laughter as a tool for expanding perception. Is looking for meaningful comedy too intellectual? Whatever.. It’s what has ME curious, so that is what I am exploring. 

On a technical note, I’ve been scheming about HOW to make EXCELLENT live stream theatre, or even an EXCELLENT pre-recorded piece of LIVE theatre. I feel that I want to keep it LIVE- otherwise we are making low budget films- which is cool too- but different.

I’m curious how to make live stream/pre-recorded live theatre engaging and 3 dimensional. How to make it SUCK YOU IN and keep you there. I have some ideas, and I’ve also been thinking that maybe I don’t want to give my ideas away. 

Aww.. what the heck, someone else is probably having these same ideas anyway- so here are some ideas that I’m experimenting with in the CURE FOR FEAR. 

• A live camera. What I mean by this is a gimbal held camera that has its own planned and practiced choreography in the performance. Ideally, I might like 2 or 3 cameras that can be toggled between- and once again their pathways, written, planned and choreographed into the writing of this show. (Basically creating a LIVE movie.) I’m thinking that my solo show just became a duo show in that the camera eye will now be an important part of the creation and performance. 
• Interesting spaces. At this point, I’m developing a modular version of THE CURE FOR FEAR that can be performed for pre-recored/live stream, as well as performed in theatre venues with or without the cameras. Currently, I am creating from my home studio, so why not develop something that can be performed from the comfort of my own home? 
• Partial pre-recorded/edit surreal dream scenes. How about that? Go into the streets and film with my weird puppets and giant costumes being built for Loretta’s world. Go ahead, edit it, add special effects- include surprised passers by. I’m curious about this, and the way it could potentially be slipped into a live stream? 
• How to clown with an audience when you can’t see/hear or make eye-contact. This is an ongoing conversation and experiment with POUPON PARADE. We are now meeting weekly with film assignments to critique and expand on in a desire to explore clowning for film. I’ve been experimenting with “tickling my own fancy’. In a sense, playing for myself and then responding to my response. Holy shit… is that fucked? Haha. IT’S AN EXPERIMENT!

OK. there you have it. Another week of Decolonizing myself and ART. Here is my weekly list of resources utilized. 

1. Dance Fundamentals with Laura June- An embodied practice! TOOLS for the revolution! Somato-body-politic, using consent, curiosity, and pleasure as guiding research principles. Designed for small spaces and facilitated over zoom- MONDAYS 6-7 (This series is almost over, but you can still come!)
2. Have you done the free INDIGINOUS CANADA STUDIES course yet? – Indiginous perspectives on History. This should be taught in elementary and highschools. History is a perspective- why should it be told from the white colonial settler view only? 
3. I may be late to the party but the Canadian Actor Dan Levy hosted a series of conversations with the professor’s of said Indiginous Canada Course. These videos are wonderful and really make the lessons come to life.
4. Super cool interactive site where you can find out what Indigenous Territory you are on, or are from! HERE
5. Movement Theatre Studio- great on-line theatre classes!

Thank you for reading “THE BONES”- a process report of art and decolonization.

I am currently researching “THE CURE FOR FEAR” – a physical theatrical/ digital arts exploration around the disconnection that occurs from trauma. In a world where the power holders would have us privatize and distrust our feelings in silence and obedience, how does one begin and continue on a journey of decolonization and reconnection? What transformation happens within the psyche as a person emerges from despondency and disembodiment?

I believe in the power of laughter, so, how can one find lightness in the heaviest of topics? How can the subject matter be delivered in a way that surprises the experiencer with their own discoveries?

Always open to feedback if it is constructive and kind. No haters please. candicerobertstheatre@gmail.com

Part of the research for the CURE FOR FEAR is exploring images presented through my psyche- so in this, I have made a ritual of writing down my dreams every morning.

I am fascinated by our dreams. I feel that the images we create in our dreams are often a way of connecting our inner world to our outer realities. I don’t believe it is as simple as “this image means that”, but more about deciphering the feeling, or decoding the metaphor. I believe that the symbology of our dreams can help us identify where to take meaningful action in waking life. 

Apparently Thomas Edison said: “Never go to sleep without a request to your subconscious.”

I’ll be darned if I can remember exactly what I asked last night- but as of late, I’ve been requesting insight into extraordinary presence, my role in the revolution, and meaningful artistic expression. So I’m going with that.

Last night’s dreams were very full. This morning, after writing down a bunch of seemingly random bits and pieces of people, places and things, these three themes/images rose to the top: 

1. Don’t try to be funny
2. Whales trapped in frozen waves.
3. Whenever there is a choice, choose the option that allows for human interaction.

The whales? I’m not sure- if that seems obvious and I’m missing something- please let me know. I can only think of pending climate disaster. Sigh.

I’m noticing today where I have a choice to choose human interaction over automation or screen. I ordered a book from Iron Dog Books. (AWESOME INDIGENOUS OWNED BOOKSTORE. They’ve asked if I can prepay so I’m choosing to walk down and do that in person. 

I’m somewhat of an introvert. I LIKE being alone. LIKE A LOT. Texting, automation, and screens are in a way a safeguard from awkward interactions. Even writing this blog is so much safer than filming myself expressing my ideas. I can write, and edit, and research and edit, mull it over and edit.

Over the years I’ve really come to own and claim awkwardness. I’ve also discovered that I seem to have some sort of neurodivergent patterns when it comes to communicating with speech. Anxiety amps it up. Perhaps it is anxiety and anxiety alone causing this blockage. One thing I’ve noticed is that if it matters to me, and I’m nervous, then I will often wix up my mords, or worse, go blank- TOTALLY BLANK. I’ll forget words for what I’m trying to express, I’ll forget peoples names. Dang, I’ve gotten pretty good at faking it. Phewf. It’s exhausting, and it seems to have gotten worse with age. I think part of what I love about clowning and physical comedy so much it that I can use my body to express myself to feel understood. 

I have always had a lot of telephone anxiety and do appreciate the ability to text information. I forget that if someone doesn’t respond that I have the option of calling. (aaahhh.. No thank you.)  My point here being that I’m going to challenge myself to reach out to the HUMAN behind the screen. Let’s go for a walk. IRL.

I like the idea of including “TELEPHONE ANXIETY” in THE CURE FOR FEAR. It feels irrational and funny to me. (Dream says don’t try to be funny!) But, if we go the way of the clown, and make it so big and absurd, then to me, it becomes funny. I have some ideas about Loretta teaching Telephone Etiquette in a youtube tutorial. 

Segway to Writing for Comedy course that I am participating in with Movement Theatre Studio in NYC. I am 2 classes in and have just submitted a little script to the teacher for feedback. 

It is funny to me to see 15 or so little zoom boxes full of very serious faced students dissecting humour. (contrast- serious/comedy) I’ve once read about dissecting a joke is like dissecting a frog- you can’t dissect a frog without killing it. True, but you can learn more about what made that frog a frog in the first place. 

When is it funny? When it’s surprising. When it’s true. When you have an ah-ha that you can relate to the information being presented. When there is tethered absurdity. (As opposed to random absurdity, which can also be funny but not as satisfying as when it is tethered.) The teacher Virginia talks about what she has named (for lack of a better word) THE GAME. The game includes: FUN for the performer, to be shared with the audience, relationships and rules to “the game”, or the world that is being created.

For Loretta, I find it fun for me to play uptight and falsely happy while physically expressing sadness or pathos within the character’s body. This is part of the game.

My homework is to write out a short scene with awareness of this GAME. Of course it is not as simple as one rule and there are a variety of modifiers- like escalation (speed, emotional intensity, volume, scale etc) repetition (rule of three, rhythm, callback) and a button, which is a comedic ending which is more rhythmic if anything- and very satisfying.  

I have a couple scenes already created for THE CURE FOR FEAR. Scenes that were born within the creation of the character. They might not make the cut for the show, but I will make comedic shorts for them as that is a part of the digital research for this show. I’ll pinpoint for myself what the game is and what the modifiers are, and look for opportunities to raise the stakes.

For the class I have scripted out a new scene that has Loretta experimenting with FACE yoga and other absurd beauty industry contraptions. 

Of course this theme was born of my own insecurity and image management. I hate the stupid beauty industry. Seriously, coconut oil is magic- probably works wonders over hundred dollar skin “science” crap. Don’t get me started. 

But also, I’m targeted through social media with tons of beauty industry crap- from skin rejuvenating concoctions to plastic surgery. On facebook I have listed myself as being born in 1923, so maybe it’s that, or maybe it’s because I HAVE fallen for the glamour game and have purchased the miracle potion in the past.

I am NOT IMMUNE TO MARKETING!!! Though I wish I was. Just another reason to smash the patriarchy. Can’t I just get old naturally and feel beautiful doing it? Is that a political act? Feels courageous- I’d rather it was just normal.

Ok. So this week’s post is somewhat of a ramble, but some good personal work I feel. Another part of this research for the CURE FOR FEAR is about the ways in which I can decolonize myself, the way I think as well as HOW and WHAT I share with the world.  

Here are some amazing resources that I have utilized this week. 

1. THE SECRET LIFE OF CANADA – The Mounties Always Get Their LAND (part 1 and 2)
2. Decolonize myself– “First Nations Personal journey. Exploring colonization, decolonization, healing, & culture”- Instagram
3. The book- BRAIDING SWEETGRASS by Robin Wall Kimmerer- Indigenous Wisdom, Scientific Knowledge, and the Teachings of Plants. A Gorgeous book. So poetically beautiful and inspiring. I could go on and on.. Order it through IRON DOG BOOKS!
4. MST FUTURISM– AN EVENT! -Decolonizing the City through a Matriarchal Lens. Uplifting and celebrating xʷməθkʷəy̓əm (Musqueam), Sḵwx̱wú7mesh Úxwumixw (Squamish Nation) and səl̓ilwətaɁɬ (Tsleil-Waututh) visions for the future of what is currently known as Vancouver. They invite you to hear from incredible MST Host Nation thought leaders to re-envision the built form centred in right relation to our land, waters and skies. REGISTER HERE

Thank you for reading “THE BONES”- a process report of art and decolonization.

I am currently researching “THE CURE FOR FEAR” – a physical theatrical/ digital arts exploration around the disconnection that occurs from trauma. In a world where the power holders would have us privatize and distrust our feelings in silence and obedience, how does one begin and continue on a journey of decolonization and reconnection? What transformation happens within the psyche as a person emerges from despondency and disembodiment?

I believe in the power of laughter, so, how can one find lightness in the heaviest of topics? How can the subject matter be delivered in a way that surprises the experiencer with their own discoveries?

Always open to feedback if it is constructive and kind. No haters please. candicerobertstheatre@gmail.com

So, here I am researching a clown show, and all of my research keeps leading me back to the dismantling of corporate greed, capitalism, patriarchy, white supremacy, and colonization. So….

This last week in my process of research, I was stumbling around in self doubt. I made a video, wasn’t happy with it. What the heck? Can’t I just make art and enjoy it? Why do I have to question everything? I acknowledge the privilege and shame I feel to be battling with my self worth instead of being out on the front lines battling for clean drinking water. 

AND THAT IS IT RIGHT THERE!

The power holders have me right where they want me to be- despondently floating in the purgatory of NOT GOOD ENOUGH. Maybe I need to buy some skin product to feel better about myself? Maybe I need to eat something, drink something, smoke something?  

I humbly thank the Water and Land Defenders for all that they are doing to protect our earth.

In finding my role, my creation process of art and decolonization, I have been dedicating myself to embodiment. What does that even mean?

To me, it means supporting my nervous system- to feel my feet on the ground, to regulate and become present in my body. I turn to my body through my senses- what my eyes are seeing (colors, textures, light and shadows), what I am hearing and what my body is sensing.

I am dedicated to a daily embodiment session. Interestingly enough the more present I am in my body, the more cognitive I feel in my intellectual mind, and the more energy I have to go beyond my basic needs.

This last week had me really questioning the DEPTH of my art. I do desire to make a difference, and in that I have begun to dig deeper. I realized that I desire teachers- and not just theatre class teachers- but elders to help guide me. I’m curious about the ways of my GREAT GREAT GREAT indigenous grandmother- What if society had gone the way of cooperation and understanding of indigenous ways, instead of- well you know how it is. 

NOTES FROM THE WEEK:

DREAMS– recording them every morning.

CLASSES– In my MELODRAMA class, facilitated by Deanna Fleysher I found myself being challenged by my own image management. That means, instead of being present and available to respond to my impulses, I was distracted by what I look like. And on zoom, there I AM starring myself in the face- all my glorious imperfections looking right back at me. 

What the heck? It literally was leaving me frozen and afraid to make choices. (Once again, right where the power holders would have me be!) Afterwards, I made some notes to myself: 

• Slow the fuck down
• Wait for an impulse
• I am enough- my being is enough

In my Movement Analysis class with Norman Taylor a nugget I took away was the tiny undulation. So tiny, that no one can see it, but literally changes the energy patterns around the person making the undulation. Really quite profound. 

PROPS- The house mask is almost finished. I chose to paint it pink, (YES I DID!) with a grey chimney and charcoal roof. Next up- finish painting the roof, make curtains and fasten some interior lighting- and then it’s time to play. What does it do? Where does it go? I have some ideas. #STAYHOME. #REALESTATE #SOLD #MORTGAGEMYHOME #HOMELESSNESS

Thinking about making a grandmother mask. The grandmothers are joining me in this story.

SOME RESOURCES FROM MY WEEK OF CREATIVE RESEARCH:

• In Solidarity with the Land and Water Defenders– a collective of indigenous and settler grassroots organizers/activists mainly based out of so called Vancouver (Coast Salish lands and waters) with other editors contributing from across turtle island. They support and promote Indigenous sovereignty and human rights worldwide.
• For The Wild Podcast– For The Wild is an anthology of The Anthropocene; focused on land-based protection, co-liberation, and intersectional storytelling rooted in a paradigm shift from human supremacy towards deep ecology.
• MEDICINE FOR THE RESISTANCE– a podcast hosted by an Anishnaabe kwe and an Afro mystic looking at life through #Black and #Indigenous eyes. Support them HERE.
• MTS- Movement Theatre Studio in NYC– I’ve been taking their on-line classes. I was resistant to ZOOM classes… but HOLY- Soooo goood! I’ve thus far participated in ESSENTIAL MOVEMENTS 1, PHYSICAL COMEDY 1, The NORMAN TAYLOR MASTERCLASS and am signed up for more.
• DANCE FUNDAMENTALS– with Laura June- Everybody, stop what you are doing and sign up for this. Body Positive Embodiment- for all bodies. TOOLS PEOPLE! She facilitates us to learn the TOOLS of our own bodies to be present and regulate our nervous systems. This is important training for these unknown times.

Thank you for reading “THE BONES”- a process report of art and decolonization.

I am currently researching “THE CURE FOR FEAR” – a physical theatrical/ digital arts exploration around the disconnection that occurs from trauma. In a world where the power holders would have us privatize and distrust our feelings in silence and obedience, how does one begin and continue on a journey of decolonization and reconnection? What transformation happens within the psyche as a person emerges from despondency and disembodiment?

I believe in the power of laughter, so, how can one find lightness in the heaviest of topics? How can the subject matter be delivered in a way that surprises the experiencer with their own discoveries?

Always open to feedback if it is constructive and kind. No haters please. candicerobertstheatre@gmail.com

“But whether small or great, and no matter what the stage or grade of life, the call rings up the curtain, always on a mystery of transfiguration– a rite, or moment, of spiritual passage, which when complete, amounts to a dying and a birth. The familiar life horizon has been outgrown; the old concepts, ideas, and emotional patterns no longer fit; the time for the passing of a threshold is at hand.” – Joseph Campbell THE HERO WITH A THOUSAND FACES

Once one hears the call, and even if they first refuse it, they might notice a new sense of dissatisfaction in their current world. Who/what makes this call for LORETTA? What voice from her psyche beckons her to leave the safety of her known and disconnected world to travel INWARD beyond her threshold?

As I figure this out for LORETTA, I too am listening to the call that rings from the depths of my heart and soul. What have you been up to people ask? I am exploring my psyche, and reflecting on it through art.

The call is asking me; is this enough? What actions are taking to dismantle systems of oppression?

Ok, first of all, be gentle with myself, and no, I do not think it is enough to sit safely in my house making art. I must continue to learn, unlearn, decolonize my mind, speak up and take risks. What the heck does “decolonize my mind” even mean? Decolonization seems to be a tangible unknown. Some research notes: 

• uncover/challenge THINKING PATTERNS based in unconscious white supremacist capitalist ways.
• Decolonization would be an attempt to get capitalism out of your culture, and to get back to your roots outside of capitalism.
• Decolonization requires non-Indigenous Canadians to recognize and accept the reality of Canada’s colonial history, accept how that history paralyzed Indigenous Peoples, and how it continues to subjugate Indigenous Peoples

Through the creation of THE CURE FOR FEAR, I am exploring EMBODIMENT as a pathway to connection.

My friend and dance teacher Laura June posted an amazing meme from the DANCE UNION. It read:

• Step 1: Dance your Heart out
• Step 2: Feel the experience of being fully embodied
• Step 3: Go out in the world and abolish oppressive systems that keep the rest of society disembodied.

Learn more about the DANCE UNION HERE

There is a lot happening in this world which might cause one to be disembodied. There is plenty of reason why one might feel anxious, grief stricken or scared. I have spent about half of my life trying to escape my body- but let me say this: I HAVE FOUND JOY in there TOO. I am committed to seeking pleasure in my body as a political act against patriarchy.

My father passed from this earthly realm just 3 weeks ago. A friend was killed in a car accident shortly after. There is climate crisis, a global pandemic, a civil revolution and a US election. There is so much injustice, death and suffering happening in this world right now, and, there is also SO MUCH BEAUTY to acknowledge.

This past week was Halloween, All Hallow’s Eve, Samhain, Day of the dead- you pick. So many traditions to reflect on these times when the veils between this world and the spirit world are thin.

I celebrated life and death with a procession under a full moon and later in the eve around a fire with my witches. We sent prayers to our neighbours in the US and also to the neighbours of the whole world. We called in peace and gave voice to our gratitudes.

I am grateful for my creativity- it is no joke when I say it keeps me alive.

I AM DOING THE WORK, and I AM DOING IT WITH AS MUCH FUN AS I CAN.

Notes for Loretta’s Call:

• dreams of her great great great grandmother, who gives her amulets of protection and/or words of wisdom that will come in handy at the right time.
• I really love this idea to include THE GRANDMOTHERS in my process. This summer I learned of my indigenous great (x3) grandmother of Gabriola Island. I did a DNA test in which she showed up! I wonder about her life and how she came to marry a settler.
• We have our grandmothers to thank for this relative freedom we woman have today. They put up with so much patriarchal bullshit, but gradually paved the way for US TO BE RELATIVELY FREE.

Also happening this week, as part of my creation process, I partook in NORMAN TAYLOR’s masterclass on Movement Analysis. He was a student and colleague of Jaques Lecoq and this class is related to his 20 movements.

Notes for consideration:

• embodying EVERYBODY in our own unique movements
• about being more real than REAL when on stage.
• A verb has no opinion- observe, analyze and state a fact.
• What is the difference between LOOKING vs SEEING.
• undulation- propels forward, body moves first, eyes see afterwards
• reverse undulation- eyes see first

Thank you for reading “THE BONES”- a process report of art and decolonization.

I am currently researching “THE CURE FOR FEAR” – a physical theatrical/ digital arts exploration around the disconnection that occurs from trauma. In a world where the power holders would have us privatize and distrust our feelings in silence and obedience, how does one begin and continue on a journey of decolonization and reconnection? What transformation happens within the psyche as a person emerges from despondency and disembodiment?

I believe in the power of laughter, so, how can one find lightness in the heaviest of topics? How can the subject matter be delivered in a way that surprises the experiencer with their own discoveries?

Always open to feedback if it is constructive and kind. No haters please. candicerobertstheatre@gmail.com

I have learned that the key to making anything is to just start. Sometimes, it’s helpful to meticulously plan out all the steps and then sometimes you just have to let the creation itself tell you where to go. I let myself make mistakes. I let myself re-do the beginning over again as a technique develops. If you find your mind reeling with WHAT IFS? Understand that it might not be the time to think about it. Make the first step and then the next and then the next- before you know it you won’t be able to stop.

In this new show that I am creating I am having fun exploring images that have been presented by my psyche. One of these is the image of the character Loretta with a HOUSE for a head. So- I’m building that house mask now. It started as a cardboard box and now is complete with windows, doors, balsa wood sidings and a chimney. I’ve been home with a cold (not covid) building this house for like 6 hours a day.

When it is finished I will begin the exploration of WHAT DOES THIS HOUSE DO? There is much potential and some sort of movement dream piece is being revealed to me. I imagine Loretta peeking out the windows, or drawing the curtains. I’ll start with those ideas and then PLAY WITH IT. Can I make the chimney puff out smoke? What of mind as space? Body as location? House as safety? Come in? Don’t come in?

I spent all last week building this house mask because it was an image that delighted me. Here I am staying home, building a tiny house that fits on my head.

I dream of building a home that not only can house my entire body, but one that can house a community. It most likely won’t be in my current location of Vancouver. Apparently, Vancouver is deemed the 2nd least affordable city in the world.

I may not be able to afford to buy a house, but, praise be for the privilege of drinking water straight from the tap.

Thank you for reading “THE BONES”- a process report of art and decolonization.

I am currently researching “THE CURE FOR FEAR” – a physical theatrical/ digital arts exploration around the disconnection that occurs from trauma. In a world where the power holders would have us privatize and distrust our feelings in silence and obedience, how does one begin and continue on a journey of decolonization and reconnection? What transformation happens within the psyche as a person emerges from despondency and disembodiment?

I believe in the power of laughter, so, how can one find lightness in the heaviest of topics? How can the subject matter be delivered in a way that surprises the experiencer with their own discoveries?

Always open to feedback if it is constructive and kind. No haters please. candicerobertstheatre@gmail.com

Last week I used the assignments from my first ever online physical comedy class to explore some ideas and imagery for THE CURE FOR FEAR that I find delightful. Above is some highlight clips and full length versions of these videos are available to patrons.

This is my 3rd solo show, and I’m finding a most joyful way of putting this one together. I’ve learned to trust my gut (this is a practice by the way) and am following and exploring bits of images that emerge from my psyche. I trust that in digging, and excavating I will come upon the root that connects this one tale to a universal story.

The CURE for FEAR is about the disconnect that comes from trauma. I’m pretty sure there is NO HUMAN that doesn’t have some sort of trauma lodged in their body. This can be CAPITAL T trauma such as a car accident, violence, and sexual abuse, or developmental trauma- such as being left in a cold room without enough blankets as a baby. I am discovering the power that embodiment has in releasing trauma from the body in order to free up life force energy. (Turn neurosis into focus- Woo!)

Loretta has been a character that I’ve been playing with for a few years now. She is  unworthiness personified and she tries so hard to hide from her own unhappiness and discomfort. How did she get so disconnect from her body and emotions? And, how can she find connection again?

As deep as the subject matter is, you might say this is no laughing matter. But that is the nature of balance- we laugh and we cry. There is no joy without pain. Are we willing to sit with grief and feel it in our bones before it passes onward?

My Dad passed away after the first of these physical comedy classes. He was a good man in many ways and also perhaps a tortured soul. We had a complicated relationship, but in the end there was only love. I sat present with him as he took and released his last breath.

The CURE FOR FEAR is a divine comedy of the soul- and I am only following the golden thread of the hero-path.

“And where we had thought to find abomination, we shall find a god; where we had thought to slay another, we shall slay ourselves; where we had thought to travel outward, we shall come to the center of our own existence; where we had thought to be alone, we shall be with all the world.” – Joseph Campbell THE HERO WITH A THOUSAND FACES

Thank you for reading “THE BONES”- a process report of art and decolonization.

I am currently researching “THE CURE FOR FEAR” – a physical theatrical/ digital arts exploration around the disconnection that occurs from trauma. In a world where the power holders would have us privatize and distrust our feelings in silence and obedience, how does one begin and continue on a journey of decolonization and reconnection? What transformation happens within the psyche as a person emerges from despondency and disembodiment?

I believe in the power of laughter, so, how can one find lightness in the heaviest of topics? How can the subject matter be delivered in a way that surprises the experiencer with their own discoveries?

Always open to feedback if it is constructive and kind. No haters please. candicerobertstheatre@gmail.com