A Dark Season of the Spirit

SAD FACE

Emotional overwhelm. Ever been there? It’s when the body shuts down and maybe it’s accompanied by a feeling of wanting to go to sleep and never wake up again. My brain gets cloudy and I seem to lose my ability to focus. I become more addicted to mindless scrolling- or numbing out. Take your pick- binge watching, eating, smoking, drinking, scrolling. DAAAANG.

Here it is- without shame, without glory. I’ve been depressed. I’ve been feeling emotionally, physically and spiritually STUCK. I noticed it coming- each day a little harder to wake up and get myself pumped for the day. What am I living for again? I feel so tired. Like- So so tired.

Yesterday it hit- or more specifically it demanded that I pay attention and not try to ignore it. I don’t feel well. I know what it feels like to feel whole, happy and healthy- and this is not that. My guts/digestion isn’t processing. How can I trust my gut when it has no feeling or movement? Part of me wants to go to the doctor and the other part of me says- don’t feed that part of this dis-ease. CHILL OUT- be ok with not being ok. Just for a minute. It’ll pass- it always does.

So here I am “trying” to just be ok WITH the sads.

My advice to me: Embody it, let it be a part of my wholeness. The world is severely F#$%ed up right now. I remind myself that- I’m still worthy of love and health even in my sadness. My digestion is probably tied into this- I’m having trouble digesting so much conflicting information. I’m still worthy of love.

Our bodies are a symphony of systems. Depression/trauma is an assault to the life sustaining harmony of our systems. To some degree or another the body’s natural ability to self regulate has been overwhelmed. I think this is what is happening.

I ask myself how I can wake up and to take positive action to better my life’s expression? I’m sitting with it. And that’s that. I’m taking a break from my practice of making a weekly comedic short. I’ll most likely get back to it, but for the next while I’m going to focus on listening and following my creative impulse. No prescribed projects or tasks. I’m just coping. 

I cope by creating- and sometimes, by watching Game of Thrones for hours from the bathtub.

I’ve been having trouble reading lately- it’s like I can’t focus or concentrate. I’ve read that the brain becomes somewhat disorganized and overwhelmed because of trauma/grief/depression etc. Basically the body goes into a survival mode and shuts down the higher reasoning and language structures of the brain. The result of the metabolic shutdown is a profound imprinted stress response. What’s to be stressed about? (haha.. that’s a joke)

Holy Mackerel.

Here is my video from last week- depicting my lack of focus. Ha! Wish me luck in making a new short today. One foot in front of the other- or maybe I might just sink in GOT in the TUB.

I just read in a book today: FEAR IS EXCITEMENT WITHOUT BREATH. I’m going to breath, and sit WITH the sads, sit with the hopelessness, sit with the apathy. I am grateful for so so so much.

THE CURE FOR FEAR” – is a physical theatrical/ digital arts exploration around the disconnection that occurs from trauma. In a world where the power holders would have us privatize and distrust our feelings in silence and obedience, how does one begin and continue on a journey of decolonization and reconnection? What transformation happens within the psyche as a person emerges from despondency and disembodiment? Seems I’m really living it right now.

BLOOM- a touching short film about depression and what it takes to recover the light of being.

I am always open to feedback, and corrections if it is constructive and kind. No haters please. candicerobertstheatre@gmail.com

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